Guy Rates All The Different Types Of Foxes And It’s A Must-Read On Twitter
By Mark PygasUpdated Oct. 31 2018, 1:55 p.m. ET
What do you do when you're facing a restless night? Watch television? Get some work done? Well, if you're Twitter user Colin Carlson, you spend the night rating all the different kinds of foxes. Which there are a lot of, by the way.
In fact, there are over 12 species of "true foxes" with almost 50 recognized subspecies. So it's a lot of different type of foxes to choose from. They also live just about every where. From cold climates to sandy deserts, you can probably find some cute version of a fluffy fox.
So when Carlson set out to rate them all, we weren't prepared for the dedication this guy had toward foxes. He spared very little details and gave us a pretty accurate ranking of these guys.
a disclaimer before i begin: i am not a fox expert nor do i know things about foxes. please correct me if i am wrong. however the letter grades will not be wrong. this is the definitive ranking
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017It all started with the red fox, a classic in the fox world. The one we all know from the stories. Little red riding hood. Fox and the hound. You know the typical chicken stealing fox you see plastered on ads and campaigns. It's a good starting point for us to set the bar for which are the best of the best when it comes to these cuties.
red fox (vulpes vulpes)
• the classic fox, the bar for foxness, a necessary prerequisite
• a good fox but NOT weird. weird-deficient. just a standard fox
• grade: B pic.twitter.com/FlZJlPA2lS
And it immediately moved into the realm of weird foxes. We're talking super weird. Some of these guys will actually make you scratch your head. You could even just now learned they exist (admittedly we didn't know almost half of these on this portion of the list) So enjoy this knowledge on the weird sector of the fox world.
tibetan sand fox (vulpes ferrilata)
• cubism is alive and well
• these eyes see into your soul
• a truly weird and unnerving fox design
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/rZMyh8zdlI
This stuff is required reading. Give this guy a degree in Foxes.
Rüppell's fox (vulpes rueppellii)
• who authorized this transaction
• answers the question no one asked: what if a fox was made of spaghetti
• untrustworthy facial expressions
• potentially too deep in uncanny valley
• grade A- pic.twitter.com/Av410apcqr
corsac fox (vulpes corsac)
• when soft: god's perfect fox. the highest fox design. too good.
• when pointy and not soft: uncanny, weird eyes, harrowing stare
• grade: A+ pic.twitter.com/rFX8QUyeUC
blanford's fox (vulpes cana)
• astounding ear:face:tail ratios at play
• strongly deviant from the main fox gestalt, doing its own thing
• lawful good, trustworthy face
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/afN54MVjdB
kit fox (vulpes macrotis)
• i'll say it: they're trying too hard to be cute
• neither fox enough nor weird enough
• i'm making the unpopular call and taking a stand
• grade: C pic.twitter.com/eH684SfdC2
bat-eared fox (otocyon megalotis)
• a return to weird fox form
• arguably the perfect deviant fox bauplane, doing it's own thing
• this fox answers to no one
• ears full of secrets?
• grade: A++. i will not be negotiated down from this. pic.twitter.com/gOOAXagm0F
fennec fox (vulpes zerda)
• best latin name
• overhyped for cuteness
• clear and relatable attitude problem
• not even trying to be a fox anymore but still very foxy
• grade: B+ pic.twitter.com/PT6rZShiNc
darwin's fox (lycalopex fulvipes)
• rounded, smoother 2.0 interface for canidae
• clearly not a fox but arguably superior
• ears too small. i'll say it
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/mAUk82Pn0p
crab eating fox (cerdocyon thous)
• almost but not entirely unlike a fox
• crab eating, as a fox-deviant motif: rebellious
• sort of like a dog conceptually but not in practice
• could improve with a couple rounds of constructive criticism
• grade: B+ pic.twitter.com/k9AQEsvpXJ
arctic fox (vulpes lagopus)
• clearly a soft boy and a very fox aesthetic
• here's the thing. it's trying too hard. it's playing you
• at the end of the day: this is just a desaturated fox
• good, a classic, but frankly unoriginal
• grade: B- pic.twitter.com/JEf5X0Zvrj
by special request and appeal by @TheLabAndField a correction
blue morph arctic fox's:
• innovative, clearly not a mainstream fox
• i've never seen game of thrones but when i look at this fox i feel an emotion that i think is wanting to watch game of thrones
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/iSVxtJFCRv
bonus bonus round: this fox named boris
• problematic
• will piss in your coffee
• deeply alarming to look at
• needs constant validation but hey man don't we all
• grade: A+ you're doing great sweetie
(h/t @squilax_mcg)https://t.co/PzaTNyVBoc pic.twitter.com/65FFpnyDbC
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017bonus round #3: pale fox (vulpes pallida) h/t @DaniRabaiotti
• almost 0% foxlike in any capacity
• what is this shit. some kind of long dog. some kind of dog ferret
• probably sleek enough to rob a bank undetected so that's cool
• solid unproblematic ears
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/qbJnUmRpQm
my notifications are 100% broken but by appeal from @TakimotoYama
bonus round #4: maned wolf (chrysocyon brachyurus)
• not a fox
• clearly wants to be a fox
• you know something. you know what. why's it so god damn tall
• i can't tell if it's photoshopped
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/1k3QHGRmGC
by request from @IreneAdlerCal and @Renkindle
bonus round #5: island fox (urocyon littoralis)
• here's the truth. this is perfectly fox-shaped but too much so
• always look kinda sleepy which i do respect
• i have to make the hard call
• grade: B pic.twitter.com/yf7yWqJBkl
Well, that was the best thing we've ever read. Which furry friend was your favorite? We still think we like the classic red the best.
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